I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
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Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah