No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
You Might Also Like
From my Mom
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.