Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
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When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My zodiac sign is pistachio
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined