Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
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Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Me as a therapist: omg same
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive