waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday