[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
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Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
crying
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing