[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
You Might Also Like
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)