All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
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ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?