Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
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The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*