Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
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Only 10 more days til Halloween!
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
LMAO.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
they really do be looking like this