My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
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Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
me after drinking all the wine:
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.