Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
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Just grow your own
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
me: my friends:
bury ourselves
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open