STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
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No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West