Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
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Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.