Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
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Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.