kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
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Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.