HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
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You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!