*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
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Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.