me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
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That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Just the best dancing sandwiches.