People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.