back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff