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Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Just ordered me some pizza!
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Based Erika
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god