Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
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What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
What if all the cashiers are married?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
One of the best
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.