Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
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*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
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subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
it must be school picture day
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell