dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
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of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they鈥檙e about to be eaten
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Captain America: I got the alert, what鈥檚 the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it鈥檚 snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 馃グ馃グ馃グ
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: 鈥es
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Running your mouth is not cardio.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 饾樀饾槱饾槮饾槸 exterminate all human life.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
You鈥檝e got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.