HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
🤣🤣🤣
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!