Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
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ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I love the honesty
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”