as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton