Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
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Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.