emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
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There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
How dramatic are you?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do