why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
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I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…