*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
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What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas