[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
You Might Also Like
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*