Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
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Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
cyclists
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se