Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

i will not be silenced

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.