I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
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Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty