Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
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When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
What if all the cashiers are married?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha