in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
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A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
What the hell happened here.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.