When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
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CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
The Joker was right
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?