I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
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Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
My favorite female superhero
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan