Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
You Might Also Like
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is