I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell