Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
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humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
😅🤣😂
#Caturday
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate