When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
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I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*