The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
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did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom