GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
You Might Also Like
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.