ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook