I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
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ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
the official breakfast of 2021
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
So, can we agree on 4 or
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.