WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
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Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Eat…
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
back to work
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
“A little help here, Danny?”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
No way!
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size