Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
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How dude HOW?!
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[eulogy]
line?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it